The Quick Guide To Newborn Babies

Parent n00b? Know nothing about the babies? This will guide you through all baby DO's and DON'T's and hopefully prevent all those noobish mistakes ppl tend to make when they face "the problem of the bursted condom". Face to face.. So here we go:

Babies need milk to survive. They can't eat bacon and eggs for breakfast like you do. They need your boobs to survive. Please make sure you do the Brazilian on your chest before nursing the baby. Please double check your boobs for milk.

Sometimes boobs are N/A so you'll have to come up with an alternative. For that you need to use the bottle, but before you give it to the baby you need to make sure that both milk and bottle are ready to use. To test the milk run a test on your skin and wait for about 15 minutes. Do not put your tongue directly into the milk, or you might end up with some serious infections if the milk is bad. Also, if the milk erodes the skin, it probably won't be suitable for your baby's stomach either.

Massage you baby. Do it gently. No needles and acupuncture.

Babies tend to mess themselves up. Badly.. They usually do it with their own dung or vomit and smell bad. You must wash them, or things might get even worse. Doing it with the hose in the back of your yard was proved to be a bad idea, because the vomit and/or dung dirt remains will spread all over and then your backyard will smell bad too. Do it in the isolated room/bathroom with lots of wet handkerchiefs and soap. Use the white powder to calm baby's skin and prevent the skin irritation. Do not use the cocain.

Dry your baby after the bath. Don't use the drying machine; babies have very small fingers which might get stuck inside and cause the great damage to your machine. Use the towel instead. Or the hairdryer...

Boogers can be annoying and ugly especially the green ones. Unfortunately babies can't pick their own noses to get them out, so you'll have to do it for them. Don't use your fingers for you might poke something worse then a booger out. Also, it may cause your baby to suffer from non-symmetrical nostrils.

Provide some entertainment for the baby. When you can't do it, find something to keep it entertained for you. Don't put the TV above the cradle for it might fall and smash the baby. Use some light object, like from plastic and paper.

ps: blood comes off with cold water in case you wish to get yourself a second baby.

Make your baby smile. Don't use your hand since the baby will stop smiling as soon as you pull your fingers out of its mouth. Use something to fool the baby to smile by itself. Something that will make you smile too, like a toy (see the pic below).

You can play with your baby. Not the most adequate substitute for your computer, but if you run out of electric power or find yourself bored to death in the middle of nowhere, you can use your baby to cheer yourself up. You can hold your baby high above your head and watch the scared and sometimes excited expression on its face, but beware if you throw it up, it's not a ball, some vicious bird might catch your baby before you do!

Show your baby what a pet looks like. Do it from the certain distance so your baby can't hurt the poor animal. Don't insert your baby into the aquarium, for it might mess itself up and mess the aquarium. Fish doesn't like the human dung! Also, your baby cannot live without air anymore, therefor it might drown.

Play games with your baby. Playing difficult games such as chess with babies is not recommended, because babies tend to cheat. You don't want to get fooled by the baby, do you? However there is another trick you can use to ensure your victory: use your hands to cover your face. Baby will definitely bite that one and think that you have somehow mysteriously disappeared into another dimension. Take your hands off your face if you want the baby to think that you have returned from another dimension.

Chose a proper babysitter for your baby. Choose a good looking female babysitter rather than some old beggar who would do stuff for food. One small baby cannot provide food for a beggar, nor order him to sit. Good looking female babysitter doesn't need the food and you can order her more than to just sit down...

If you notice stress in your baby, you must calm it down. Hold your baby and tap it gently on the back. Don't provide your baby with alcohol, unless you have no hands.

Force your baby to exercise. Don't let it use the gym, or it might end up taking steroids before it's capable to work for the money, so you'll have to buy it instead.

Try to wake your baby up as quiet as possible. If you use something loud, it might wake up trying to imitate the noise that woke her up and produce even worse noise. Also babies lack with the ability to stop themselves in making noise, therefor you risk to cause yourself a great stress in efforts to stop it from screaming.

If you take your baby to shopping tour with you, make sure you don't leave it on the bottom of the basket, especially if it has something with a bar code on it, the cashier might charge you for something you have already paid for.